Too much time to think

Hey guys

Yesterday, I called my mum and told her about my 'body issues'. I told her that I hate my own body, that I can't stop obsessing over the way I look. So now she knows, and she has now told my dad, so now he knows too, at least a bit. I was supposed to go to the psychologist last Monday, But she was sick, so now I'm going to go on Wednesday instead. I got really disappointed when dad told me that my psychologist was sick, because I really, REALLY want to stop feeling like this. In a way, it's been getting better since the holiday's started, because now I don't have to worry about what my classmates think of me, But I'm also worse, since I now have nothing to do and that is causing me to overthink and feel worse.

Mum said that the reason to why I hate my own body is maybe because in my other class, they froze me out, so then I thought I was the problem, causing me to see faults in myself. Because then I could understand why they didn't like me.

Oh well, lets see what happens later on, I'm just too tired to think and my head hurts. probably because I haven't been outside today :P

I'll see you around then
xx Nicole

summer holidays and feeling grown up

Hey guys!
So here is what has happened since my last post, I'm now on summer holiday, Yay!! Or not. I graduated this tuesday, and I actually cried for a bit, but that was only because everyone else recieved pictures from when they were in the 7th and 8th grade, but I didn't, so it felt as if I didn't have a home, and in a way, I don't. I have always moved around quite a lot, so I have never stayed in one place for more than 4 years, and sometimes I get jealous of the people who can say that they have lived in the same place for their whole lives, because I can never have that feeling of belonging that they can and do. But enough of that, now my only problem is having something to do until the 8th of July, which is when my brother and I head to France to visit our grandparents. Tomorrow I will start doing some volunteer work for the church, since my neighbor works there and she hooked me up.

Today's weather has given me an excuse to stay inside all day, since it's been raining and thundering. But I did run out and I bought some stuff. The first thing I bought was a teapot, which is a creamy white and has small floral prints all over it in a japanese style. Then I also bought 4 small ceramic ovenwares, which are light, pastell blue. I felt so grown up buying them, and I really want to move out, even though I'm only sixteen.

Oh, but now the thunder is coming back, so I better unplug my laptop
I'll see you around then
Nicole xx

(me)

Graduations and sleepyheads

Whats up guys?!
Today is the national day of Sweden. So I made American Pancakes for breakfast(way to go, Nicole....) It's pretty cloudy outside, but I'm going to head out soon and take some photos. They say that flowers are the best to photograph while the weather isn't that great.
My stepsister and stepcousin graduated yesterday. So now they're free, FREEEEEEE!!! But my stepsister will be going to study at a university after the summer holidays, so she's not so free. Both of the graduatees were REALLY tired yesterday, Johan (the cousin) even had to take a powernap.

I also made yesterdays dessert, frozen lemon cheesecake. A huge success, almost everyone complimented me on it, some couldn't even believe that I had baked it myself. I just love baking, which is why I'm currently making a strawberry cake with vanilla custard and whipped cream. Yum, it's kind of like Sweden's national cake, and it's super summery and delicious. I'm dreaming about having my own kitchen, full of cute baking stuff and things like that. I use Pinterest to get some inspiration. I can't wait to have my own place, I'm gonna move out early. When did you/do you wanna move out?
Hope you have a wonderful day!
I'll see you around then
xx Nicole

 My Cheesecakes

 Breakfast(Yummy)

Graduation and gifts

Screwed up body image?

Hello friends!
Tomorrow I'm heading to Gothenburg with my class (YAAAY!!!!!) so today I bought some things for the 6 hour long bus trip. Candy, crisps and drinks. I hesitated for a moment, thinking "I should go with some healthy snacks instead, I've gained weight" but then I decided not to give a shit. Let me eat what I want, I thought to my brain. My brain seems to hate me, it tells me I'm fat and that my legs are round and that I have a stomach like a fat pig. I'm 177 cm tall and weigh 60 kilos. I used to weigh 52, but since I quit riding last year(I'll be starting again this fall) I've gained some weight. I've started thinking a lot about my weight and about what I eat. Every window I pass, I look at my reflection and I'm filled with.... whats the word? not disgust, but.... discontent. I don't like my body, I don't like myself. I will begin seeing a psychiatrist in june, because I think I'm deppressed or somehing. I can't talk to people I know about my feelings. So yeah, thanks for reading my blabber, i guess.
I'll see you around then.
xx Nicole

(photoshoot in the sun, none of my photos are edited btw)

Sweden's indecisive weather

Hello friends!
I'm really sick of Sweden today. Yesterday, the sun was shining for the whole day, and you could even lie in your bikini and work on that tan. But of course, as soon as school starts again, the weather just shifts around. This morning, the weather was pretty ok, so I decided to take my thin leather jacket with me. BIG mistake. As soon as I got to school. it started drizzling a bit, but I didn't think much of it, I just assumed that it would stop before school ended. But of course, by the time that it was time to head home, it was literally pouring. I just want the weather of Sweden to make up its mind about the weather. I just want us to either have sun for a couple of days, or have bad weather, but  just not this rollercoaster of good weather, bad weather.

Also I found out today that my crush has started going out with someone. Yaaaay. But I'm over it, the only thing I'm mad and sad about is that I'm such a chicken. So I drowned my sorrows with an ice cream sundae with chocolate and toffee sauce. But sometimes, you need to spoil yourself with a calorie bomb, especially when you've had a bad day.

Hope your day was better than mine!
I'll see you around then.
xx Nicole

 (some cute cows I photographed a while ago at my stepgrandmother's place)

School trips and anxiety attacks

Hi guys!
So here's what's going to happen. On the 28th of May, I'm traveling to Gothenburg with my class. We will be staying there for two nights before we go back home, and we'll be going to Liseberg, an awesome tivoli/amusement park there, and a museum that is really gorgeous too, but there's a problem surrounding all of this. Whenever I sleep anywhere I'm not used too, like at a friend's house or somewhere else, I get these really bad panic attacks. They occur in the evening, at around 6-8 o'clock, and they make me feel awful even physically. I get an upset stomach and it feels as if I might vomit. But then, as quickly as they came, they go away. Now, everyone might not see this as a problem, but I do, so if there is someone out there who has some GREAT and TERRIFIC way of getting through the panic, I would be really grateful if you could tell me in the comment section down below.
Oh, there is this other thing as well........ I have a crush on this guy, I've never REALLY spoken to him, just said like two words, but I'm wondering how I could start talking to him more, like on snapchat or something. I'm not like most other girls here, I can't just start writing to someone, because I am frequently worrying about what other people think about me. This is because when I first moved here, I was in another class at my current school, and they shut me out completely. I was surrounded by all these new people, who I had done nothing too, but still they shut me out. I've never felt more alone. So one day, I decided to swap classes, and everything is better now :)
But if anyone out there is in the same position as I was, Don't just wait for things to get better, YOU make YOUR own happiness.
I'll see you around then
xx Nicole

Books and bad weather

There is just something about bad weather that gives me an urge to read books. Many would call me a bookworm, because i read quite alot compared to other people my age, but books are my best friends. They never make me feel bad, they're always there for me when i need them and they're just plain great. A book will never judge you, never reject you because of your nationality, weight or your religion, and it certainly wont make you feel bad about yourself. So, currently, the weather here is very dull. The sky is covered in a mass of greyness (is that even a word?) so I decided to skip away to the library and borrow some books. I went for Struck by lightning, by Chris Colfer, Matched, by Ally Kondie, and last but not least, Looking for Alaska, by John Green

Now, I'm sure alot of you have heard of or read the book The fault in our stars, also by John Green. I certainly did. I read it, and may I tell you this, no book has ever managed to get me bawling my eyes out, but that one did. I don't want to tell you too much about it, since you may not have read it, but it's about cancerpatients, and it has changed my perception of the world. so when i saw Looking for alaska at my library, I HAD to read it. I can't wait until the 22 of june, because that is when the movie comes out!!!! IIIHHHHHHHH (teenage scream of antipication)

I better start reading, so I'll see you around!

xx Nicole

Here I am!

Hi there! Don't think we've met eachother before, so I'll just introduce myself. I'm Nicole. I'm a swedish 16 year old with a love for photography, animals and baking. I've started this blog because, well, i wanted to have someplace where i could just scribble everything down thats on my mind. this will PROBABLY not be a blog that I post things on everyday, but when i have something that I want to share with the world, then I'll do so :) So I guess I'll see you around then!
xx Nicole